The Cobra Has Two Pennies

(This is first of four essays that I had been meaning to write about my Thailand/Malaysia trip. These were essays that were just too good to fire off quickly. And since I have a bit of free time, I thought I'd work on them. Hope you enjoy.)



Cousin Pinky booked me a tour for my first day in Thailand. She tells me I'll see the Floating Market, an Elephant Farm and a Cobra Show. "Whatever," I think. "I haven't slept in 24 hours. I haven't eaten. I smell funny. I'll see anything. I just want to see the real Thailand."

It's 7am, and I'm in a minivan with two old Chinese men and an Indian family. We leave Bangkok, and head toward the rural outskirts of the city. We pass by immaculate portraits of His Royal Higness, Rama IX. With each picture, everyone in the van snaps their cameras. I am tempted to ask if this is necessary. One picture of the King should be enough. Unless you need a shot of him facing left AND right. I brush it aside and put my iPod on full blast.

The minivan stops at a dock with several motorboats. The boats take us down a winding canal, to the Floating Market. We are given a choice: Pay 150 Baht (Roughly $5 US) to board a canoe and have a villager paddle us around while we shop, or pay nothing and sit on a bench for 90 minutes. I pay the 150 Baht. What's five dollars to me right now? This is my first day in a new country. I want to experience Thailand!

After 30 minutes of having my guide lead me past other canoes filled with tourists and merchants, I ask him to take me back. As I sit on the bench, munching on sandwiches that Pinky prepared in the morning, I spot a canoe of tourists, all wearing straw hats purchased minutes before. I sigh. That could have been me in a funny hat. That could have been me purchasing a bushel of mangoes for 100 bucks. That could have been me buying a minature wooden elephant for 50 dollars. I'd be out of money on the first day, but at least I'd be happy...



It's 11 am, and we head to the Elephant Farm. We, again, are given a choice; Pay 600 Baht to ride an elephant through the jungle, pay an extra 150 baht to feed the beast of bunch of bananas, or pay nothing and stand around and have the employees walk up to you and attempt to solicit a 200 Baht donation. I shell out 750 Baht. To ride and feed. What's 25 dollars to me? I want the real Thailand!



The ride takes 30 minutes. The trail is a loop around a paved road, through a mud pit and some trees. Two-thirds of the way, the guide, perched on the elephants neck, reaches behind him and grabs the bananas. He feeds the elephant MY bananas. The bananas that I purchased. MY bananas. I want to yell at the guide, but his back is to me. "Why didn't you let me feed them?" I quietly scream at the back of his head. "I'M supposed to feed him. I didn't come halfway around the world to have somebody deny me the joy having an elephant swipe bananas from my hands. Give me back my bananas, damnit!!"

The guide turns back. "Oh crap, he must have heard me," I think. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a plastic baggie. Inside the baggie are two metallic elephants. I have no idea what they are supposed to be. They look like earrings. They could be cuff links. "200 Baht," The guide says. I stare at him. "I don't know what these are." "150 Baht." He replies. I've had enough. "No, I don't want." The guide makes a motion with his hands. He mimics eating a bowl of rice. I'm guessing this is the universal sign for "I need to eat." I'm tempted to ask, "Why didn't you just take my bananas?" I bite my tongue. I just want off this elephant...

It's 2pm and we pull into the Cobra show. We're tired. The Indian family has put away their cameras and look like they're about to pass out. The minivan driver turns to us. "This show is REALLY good! Cobras! Very scary! 200 Baht!" The Chinese men throw up their hands in disgust.

We're led to an amphitheater, enclosing a large pit. Behind the pit is the stage, where the emcee stands behind a podium. He holds up a faded picture of a man. "A few years ago, this man died." The crowd is silent. An uneasiness fills the air. We are scared out of our wits.



In the middle of the pit stands the cobra handler. He's a scary Thai with a bushy mustache and a snake in his hands. He kisses the cobra. He catches the cobra with his bare hands. He throws the cobra in a cage with a mongoose. He holds the cobra in place and moves into the crowd. He holds it out for us to pet. I pass.

"The cobra has two pennies!" The emcees shouts out of nowhere. I look around. Did anyone else get that? The rest of the crowd can't understand him either. "The cobra has two pennies!" His voice increases. We're confused. A gasp escapes the crowd. The handler has reached for the cobra and unfolded a layer of skin, exposing two bulbous sex organs. A wave of flash bulbs cover the amphitheater.The emcee is not talking about loose change. "The cobra is very, very lucky!" The emcee winks. "The cobra has twice as much fun!" The crowd giggles.

I stare at the two pennies. This is what I wanted to see; Something new. Something exciting. Something that says, "You're in Thailand, damnit. Love it!" I fumble with my camera to get a good shot. By the time I'm ready to shoot, the pennies are gone. I'm sad, but the image has burned itself into memory forever...

It's 6pm, and the minivan has returned to downtown Bangkok. Pinky waits me for me. "How was the tour?? Did you see a lot of things?"

"Yeah...Hey, did you know the cobra has two pennies?"

"What?!"

"Never mind." I sigh. "Man, I'm hungry."

"We'll go out. Maybe we'll find snakes! Hahaha!"

"That would be awesome."